Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What do you get when you cross a tortoise and a llama?
A turtle-neck sweater.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.