My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.