A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
Gold riddance.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.