What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.