Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Seed between the lines.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
It's always a first class trip with me.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance