Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.

Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.

"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar

Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.

The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.

Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!

The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.

"The Crocodile"

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

– Lewis Carroll

What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.

Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.

The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?

Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.

“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”

What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!

What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.

I like long runs on the beach.

Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.

How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.

What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.

“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”

- Paul Reiser.

"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

When are you due back in heaven?

I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk

No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".

Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io

If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.

You’re brew-tiful!

What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!

The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.

Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?

“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen

What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.

What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.

When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!

Heisenberg was wrong. I'm certain about what you're doing tonight.

You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.

Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella

Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.

You must be Drumheller, ‘cause I totally dig you.

Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.

I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.

A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"