What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
The ocean made me salty.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”