I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
I like the way you espresso yourself.
With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.
A coronaissance, if you will.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.