What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
You’re brew-tiful!
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
You know what’s on the menu? ME-N-U
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Everybody romaine calm.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel