“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine

What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

We’re a perfect mash.

“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous

If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.

What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.

What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.

“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”

– Deborah Kerr

"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."

My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.

You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.

I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.

What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”

What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!

What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.

What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.

What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.

The paddy don’t start till I walk in.

Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them

What do you say you poke-check me real quick?

Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.

There was an exotic pet race to take place.

Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"

The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:

"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."

What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!

I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.

Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.

I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.

We’re mint to be.

What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.

Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.

What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.

Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.

The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.

What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo

What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?

Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.