What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
I find my core strength in you.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Nathan compares to you
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...