An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
All you need is MY love
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”