Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
"I lava you."
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
I bet you’re really flexible.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
Mooning is very ASStrological
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”