Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."
- William Arthur Ward
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Thank brew very much.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.