Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
I really caribou-t you.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool