Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Your mausoleum or mine?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
when I’m with you.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers