So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
I nearly kicked my dog out, but we renegotiated the terms of his leash.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
French people give me the crepes.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
He’s an elf-made man.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing