Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.