what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Pirates Private Property.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Are you a chocolate cake? I’m craving something sweet.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.