Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.