When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Irish you were beer.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
You’re wine in a million.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
I just asked the wife to get into her nurse's uniform.
She said "Why? Are you feeling horny?"
"No we need bread!"
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer