I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
I like you a latke!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Girl you are rocking this run.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.