What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.