“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
You’re sledding a fine line there.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
"Partners in wine."
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I think we need to become better strangers.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
If you were here, Abby all over you
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.