My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
Nice life preservers.
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
All farts...are laughing gas.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Yule be sorry.
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Feeling fintastic.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.