I auditioned to be a carpenter’s hand.
Nailed it.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
"You deserve better and so do I."
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
You met all of my koala-fications
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.