“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Life is better when we stick together.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?