“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton

Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature

"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara

Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.

A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.

What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.

"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline

People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.

“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”

When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

I think we need to become better strangers.

Theres a party in my pants and your invited.

How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.

Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs

Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!

Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.

What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!

Organ donors really put their heart into it.

Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?

You are the object of my preposition.

Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.

Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.

"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

Levi's should pay you a royalty.

What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!

My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.

Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.

What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.

I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.

Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"

Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.

Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?

My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".

I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.

Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!

What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!

What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.

I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien

When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!

When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"

Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.