Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
"Just looking on the sunny side."
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
May I tie your shoe?
Because I can't have you fall for anyone else.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.