Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
I know you’ve turned me down before, but I’m asking for an extra shot.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I'm the life of the paddy.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!