A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.