"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
What does a Muslim Viking say at the movie theater?
Valhalla Snackbar!
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
"Alcohol you later."
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.