Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
Can I hold your hand?
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
I like long runs on the beach.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon