What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
Which frog has horns?
A bull frog.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!
“Feliz navi-dog!”
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
You look like my future ex wife.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots