Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Hello Boo-tiful.
Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
Crowing, crowing, gone.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
We could make such a beautiful library together.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.