Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
But wait—there’s myrrh.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!