Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
What did the painter say to his wife? "I love you with all my art!"
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
I really caribou-t you.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)