I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, know what I have in common with this new powder? 8 inches.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.