My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

What do you call an ant who won’t go away?
Perman-ant.

What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.

What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.

"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."

The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.

You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.

What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.

Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.

"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."

On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”

Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.

I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.

On a keyboard, nothing is under control.

Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.

I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex

Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.

Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams

Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."

Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest

You’re the cutest clover in the patch.

Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!

"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard

Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.

Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.

Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.

I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.

Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!

I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.

A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”

What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.

Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!

If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet

I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.

“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”

A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.

I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.

My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.