My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Your presents is requested.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood