A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
I only have ice for you.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."