Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction

What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.

When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.

After his teeth were cleaned, the werewolf ate the dentist.

Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.

What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.

I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”

What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.

Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.

What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.

A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”

The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”

“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly

When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".

The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.

Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.

What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!

What is a car’s preferred TV program?

The Driving Dead.

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".

I'll light your fire for you if you want!

What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.

Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.

Donut even think about taking another donut!

Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”

…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”

What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.

Bad puns are how eye roll.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.

"You're poaching all my best yolks."

Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?

I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.

What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.

With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.

Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone

"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield