After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Where do you get frog's eggs?
At the spawn shop.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
That look soots you.
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?