“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.