There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin

That crazy little sun of a beach.

Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.

Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.

Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.

“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”

Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.

I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.

“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen

Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz

What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.

The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!

I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.

What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!

"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost

When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!

Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!

What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.

My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.

What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?

Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!

What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.

Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal

What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.

My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!

What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.

Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.

Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down

Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.

Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!

How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.

What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.”​ –Anonymous

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.