Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
When are you due back in heaven?
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."