What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
We're donion rings.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.