What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
You look a lot like my next victim.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out here!
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Don't worry, the Corona Virus won't last long... It was made in China.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!