I bet you’re Ethan better in person
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
"That's all, yolks."
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.