Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
Werewolves love their fast food.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford