“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!