Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Stay true to your shelf.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.