TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Eddie edited it.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!