Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Baby, you rock my world!
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
“If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys” – James Goldsmith
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.
She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.
she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.
she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.
Best thing that has ever happened to me.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏