When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Can I be your next varietal?
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent