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The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?
A little less fight and a little more spark, close your mouth and open your heart.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Readers do it by the book.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.