Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
They say everything gets better with age.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
I’m soy into you.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Yule be sorry.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Wait until you see my thunda from down unda!
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.