I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
"Time to wine down."
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows."
- Doug Larson
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
He’s an elf-made man.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.