HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
In space, no one can hear us scream.
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
We fit together like a gitch in a wedgie.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...
“That’s just spam.”
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
It takes one to snow one.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Owl always love you.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Football is one habit I will never kick
But wait—there’s myrrh.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!