Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

My pants are approaching escape velocity.

When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.

Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.

“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn

Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.

My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.

The pineapple is pining for the summer.

What do you call one day below freezing and the next day at 70 degrees?
“It’s snowing today, but water you doing tomorrow?”

What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright

“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.

What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.

How does a car express love to another?

‘I a door you.’

When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres

A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.

How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.

A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"

The horse said "nay."

The pig squealed.

What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.

Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

I love you berry much.

I think I found my perfect match

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.

There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.

Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.

What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”

Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.

Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.

I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?

I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.

Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go MOO!

What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.

What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!

Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?

Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.