How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
You must be the one for me… Since my selectively permeable membrane let you through.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.