In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
I’m kind of a big dill.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Let’s take an elfie.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.
She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.
She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.
Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.
So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.
This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.
So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.
But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!
You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,
Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.
(Aaron M. Delao)
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”