I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"

Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.

What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.

Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.

How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”

- Mary Bly.

My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.

I would love to show you first class.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.

Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy

“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown

What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.

I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee

A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.

There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.

What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.

Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.

Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.

What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana

You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.

I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.

Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".

What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.

What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.

Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.

There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.

Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!

Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!

“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”

What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.