What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
It's always a first class trip with me.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.