What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
What are the two most profane bones in the human body?
The blasfemurs.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What does a house wear?
Address.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.