Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
I think therefore I yam.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.