“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
They say everything gets better with age.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”