You’re udder-ly perfect.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.