"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
What's the best advice to give to a young baseball player?
If you don't suceed at first, try second base.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"
Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.
The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.
Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!
Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.
My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.
Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."
– Graham Craven
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown