Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”

- Ugo Betti

What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.

I'd drink your bathwater.

Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.

Summer should get a speeding ticket

My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.

What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.

What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.

I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.

What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly

Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.

I’m fondue you.

Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?

"Eggs-cuse me."

"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane

Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.

"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.

I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.

What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”

I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.

“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years

“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

All clover the world.

“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.

I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.

What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!

"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern

What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers

Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?
Lucky.

“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”

- Robert Brault.

What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub