What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!