For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
How hot does your gas oven get?
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
You better beer-live it!
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
I'm snow bored.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
According to Newton’s law of universal gravitation, If I’m attracted to you, then you’re attracted to me.
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous