Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.

What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"

Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.

“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow

“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
---
“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis

I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.

The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”

Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.

What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!

Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?

The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.

If they don't, the country is safe.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller

What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.

I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”

“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous

What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!

A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!

What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.

How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz

A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.

Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom

I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."

What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!

I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.

What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.

The earth laughs in flowers, so it must have been extremely happy the day you were born.

Do you like science because I've got my ion you.

Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts

What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!

"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones

You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.

How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.

Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.