My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our backyard.
She's a keeper.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
You are pitcher perfect.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
"Humor is reason gone mad."
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.