Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.