What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
To get to the other tide.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
You make me more excited than gifts under a Christmas tree.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.