What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.