You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!