“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.