Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.